So I have just cone out of a relationship with a guy with apparent full blown narcissistic personality disorder. A look at his Facebook profile is very telling- it boasts nearly daily updates of bare-chested selfies, with comments such as: ‘Feeling great’; ‘Looking good’; ‘Working hard at the gym”. I had been in a relationship with one before – ten years ago, so I should have been able to read the signs, but I still fell for him. What happened? Was I stupid? Naïve? Blinded? - Maybe a bit of all? Mainly though this article is about trying to figure out what was real, what wasn’t, and if I should love or hate him now?
We met on holidays. A gay Spanish holiday beach resort. He is very handsome, Afro-Peruvian, with perfect muscular physique. I did not hesitate to play into his very overt advances, and we ended up at my Hotel room 2 hrs later. Let’s call him Jorge. Communication was not too easy, as he does not speak English, and I, then, no Spanish. There is the miracle of mobile translation apps though, and the first few days we had better things to do, than to talk much… The first night we ended up not having sex though, as he said he wanted to see me again – and gay one night stands so often end as just that – one night wonders. That was a pretty romantic start.
I made sure I was as honest as possible up front, and told him that I am a Tantric Masseur and have a generally more promiscuous life philosophy. Him being Latino, and all my Latino exs usually insanely jealous, I wanted to prevent romantic entanglements, which ended in jealous fights. It turned out that he works as an escort though, and he claimed to have no problem with my job – a good start. The next test was me coming out as a Spiritual Healer, and as quite energy sensitive. Again though, he claimed spirituality and some psychic ability too – what a fit. (In the past I have had a few potential relationships that seemed to not work, as my spirituality and their atheist energies seemed to crash, blocking most romantic energy flow.) We spent every night together, as well as every day on the beach. Well there was the one day, when we fought. He claimed he’d go to a big gay clubbing event that evening, that I did not fancy, and I stayed back. I had not made any promises of faithfulness, so I ended up going cruising at the beach that night. I told him outright though, and he wished me good luck and fun. He had appeared a bit jealous before, but then I had given him a 2 hr healing on the beach that day, so I fantasized that he had been healed of it already. That was not the case though, and he just stopped talking to me. When enquiring what is wrong, he claimed he had tested me – me going to the cruising beach was a great ‘no no’ for him. It turned out he had not even gone to his party, but instead of calling me and meeting up – he tested me? I am sure that had he called me, and we had spent the time together again, I would not even have thought about other guys. It was just self-fabricated drama, with the result of us apparently being broken up now. He had made me feel very bad – supposedly I had broken his heart, etc. Still when I saw him at the beach, later that day, he was already flirting with, and snogging another guy. No sign of sadness or trauma. I was fuming. I had felt so bad for supposedly hurting him. He actually messaged me again later, asking why I had not greeted him at the beach, and if I wanted to go for dinner? What? I declined! Still he messaged me again – and I agreed to meet him for a chat later that night. When we met he appeared genuinely sad. He admitted very strong feelings for me. We hugged – and it felt as if his soul was crying out to me – ‘Help me! Help me heal!’ I still well up a bit, thinking back to it. It was one of the most intense emotions I have ever felt. The last day we spent in utter harmony again. I told him that I believe myself to be on this planet, not just to heal myself, but to help others heal too. He claimed to have the same believe and goal. I also told him that generally I lead a life thriving for healing, and being the best I can be. Doing so, and helping others to heal, I can at times encounter spiritual resistances, from energies that do not want to be healed, which in turn can make me feel depressed, tired or ill. I know that can sound paranoid to some, but he did not flinch at all – and seemed to accept and understand very well what I was talking about. I was convinced to have met someone very special. I had had a few holiday romances before, but they usually ended with the holiday – this one seemed to have more passion, more substance, maybe even love – and I felt confident that it would outlast the holidays. On day three he had told me that he loves me. On day 5 he called me ‘my husband’. Usually that would ring alarm bells, but he seemed genuinely sincere and committed.
To make a long story shorter – the relationship did survive the holidays. We spend as much time as possible communicating. 10 days later I visited him at his home in Madrid. A week thereafter, he came to see me in London. We decided that he would move to London, so we could be together. Two more trips to Madrid together and we managed to move all his stuff to mine in London.
All throughout I had loads of energies attacking me – trying to convince me that he is not a One. That we do not match. There is a 15 year age difference, I am more spiritually advanced than him, intellectually differences, educational, as well as cultural. I knew that things would not always be easy. Our being together would, at least initially, required a lot of healing work, not giving into doubts, etc. I did not care. I know that at times one has to fight for happiness on this planet. Rarely are things perfect from the outset. And when we were together, and happy – it was incredible. I had succumbed to his desire for a monogamous relationship; well, as far as our jobs allowed that. But I had definitely stopped going beyond the massage, with tantric massage clients, where there was a mutual attraction, and had closed down all my private dating profiles. What I had with him, was more fulfilling then promiscuous sex with many - which can be fun, but frequently has less in terms of spiritual substance, intimacy, and connection.
Yes, we had some fights too. He seemed to suffer from anger issues. Small things could set him off, and get him very angry. During such times his rational and logic went out the window. But these episodes usually only lasted a few hours, and were not too frequent. Most importantly he apologized after such episodes – and seemed truly sorry. Something that my other narcissistic ex never managed. I told him that I did not mind, and was willing to stand by him, and support him, as he worked through any issues he might have, leading to his anger issues. All in all the happiness we had seemed to far outweigh any potential problems.
Yet, once he fully lived with me, the balance of the happiness-suffering scales shifted. His anger episodes did not last a few hours anymore, but up to three days. During those times he was a different person. Mean, malicious, angry, irrational, very ungrateful etc. Initially we put it down to his stomach ulcers. They got treated though, went, and his mean episodes prevailed. I am not a psychiatrist, but as different as his personality was during his ‘fits’, to his usually loving self, it felt very schizophrenic. There weren’t any good reasons for them either. One was triggered by me suggesting to buy a cheaper kind of fish. I had paid for his move, outstanding bills in Madrid, his English school, his gym, new furniture, food etc. My reserves/ savings were spent, and we had to come back to a day-to-day spending pattern. The holidays were over. Or once he felt I should have cooked for him, yet he had told me he would sleep all afternoon. I worked and he got up earlier, to find no lunch prepared. On top of his nasty spells he was pretty lazy. Yes, he often cooked, but he loves food. On the other hand he did not do much in terms of cleaning, or laundry etc. He skipped days at school, for spurious reasons, and did not make much effort to improve his English. We pretty much only communicated in Spanish by now. I was patient though. After all – for him it was new country, new language, little local friends, etc.
It was a real hot and cold shower relationship. After our fights he would be lovely, supportive and cute again He would acknowledge that he needed to heal whatever turned him ‘funny’ – and we would meditate together, he would supposedly pray, and he would accept spiritual healing from me.
After 2.5 months he moved out the first time. We had had a plumber in the house that morning. I was busy with the plumber trying to find the fault, which made out boiler cut out, running up and down the stairs. Turning hot water taps on and off. Bleeding radiators etc. We had fought the night before, and Jorge had actually broken up again – but I had stopped taking that too serious. Jorge suddenly appeared though, all jealous. He was convinced that I had had sexual relations with the plumber. It was preposterous. I am pretty sure the plumber is straight. I had committed to monogamy. Plus I would never propose to some handyman, especially paid for by my landlord, and it was early morning. I was un-showered, grumpy and in my jammies. For those who know me – I am a night owl. I stay up late, and sleep in the mornings. Mornings are the last time of day I would seek sex. Jorge was convinced though! He moved out that night, with all his stuff, over to a friend’s house.
After two days he begged me to move back. I was hesitant. Over the course of our weekly fights, I had managed to react less to his meanness, not let it get to me as much; I tried to see it as an illness, and not take it personally. Still, currently we seemed to have more unhappiness than happiness. I suggested him finding a room somewhere else. We could still spend as much time as possible together, but when fighting, we could avoid being in close proximity. Jorge said that he did not want to pay for a room, and would then rather move back to Madrid (– London rents are a fair bit more expensive than Madrid’s. ) He kept on begging. I insisted that he had to see a psychologist too. Regular meditation and healing work did not seem to do enough yet. I feared he might need some psycho-pharmaca. He obliged, but only if we went together. He figured I had just as many problems as him. I am confident I do not, but if it got him there, I was willing to wear that shoe for a while. (NB: I have meditated for 20+years, and fought many a negative energy trying to tell me I am crazy or evil – to make me feel guilty, stop me giving a healing, or weaken me in some way. It has helped me to be honest with myself, but also to become confident that I do my best to be a good person, and act in ways, that I do not have to experience guilt at a later date. In comparison Jorge is spiritual, but has been lacking any regular committed spiritual routine so far, such as regular meditation. Sure, his incredible meanness and un-justness got me to react quite a bit the first few times, and I might not have been as diplomatic in my replies, as during harmonious times, but I am confident that does not require a psychologist. I came out with a few truth that supposedly hurt him, but the truth will do that at times, if it is uncomfortable. )
The next few days were spent in recovery though. I was still hoping that just spiritual healing work might suffice, and he would not require a psychiatric diagnosis and treatment. I am very aware that a mental disease diagnosis is not a label that is easy to carry (even just temporarily). We never managed to go to our GP , and ask for a psychological assessment. Things went further downhill. Jorge started taping me, e.g. talking with my sister on the phone (in German), and then tried to find a German friend who could translate for him, to see if I had gossiped about him. He taped me talking to a clients (taped through the wall) - and was convinced that I did more than just massage him - which I did not, etc. He kept on claiming, that he was convinced I had someone on the side. He was begging me to stop lying and playing games. All this time he saw clients though, and I am not all sure if he did not possibly have other encounters too., as in the end he’d insist on not being in the house, when I was working….(Practically it would have been very difficult for me to see anyone else anyway. He spent every free moment we had together. Went to the gym together. Shopped for groceries together. Slept together, etc. The only time I could have strayed was when he had an outcall client, which was not too frequent, unpredictable, and often weekend morning hours (i.e. I would be in deep slumber.))
Towards the end he tried to convince me too, that he had this powerful intuition, that someone wanted me ill. Maybe an ex, or a client? He claimed he would be around to protect me, but indirectly insinuating that I would not be safe without him. I do not have any exs that I broke off with so badly, that they would want revenge. Also I had been solo for the last ten years. Furthermore I do try to give great customer service to my clients, and usually my massages are very happily received. In 8 years I had no more than a handful of clients, who verbalized they weren’t 100% happy. Yes, over the years I have had a handful of, what had felt like, full on psychopathic clients – but the Divine has always protected me adequately. I was certain that I did not need him as my personal bodyguard. And funnily three days later he decided that he did not want to be in the house anymore when I worked – so no protection against potentially dangerous clients anyways.
After three and a bit months we had one last huge row. He just got ready to go out clubbing by himself, making sure he ate no onions beforehand etc. That stung. Had I tried the same, he would have had a humongous jealous fit. He saw my displeasure, and stayed in. I soon came to understand though, that it likely was not common decency, but rather him suddenly getting jealous, fearing that I might have a guy over, whilst he was out. I had no plans of being unfaithful, but he had become ever more paranoid. That night I drank a bottle of wine and broke out into sarcasm and hysterical laughter. I figured laughing is better than crying! I said – ‘Yes, Jorge, you are right! Now that I drank a bottle of wine, I cannot lie anymore. Whenever you sleep, I do some voodoo, so you do not wake up, sneak out, and have sex with the plumber in his car, outside the house. Not just him, but many. I use every five minutes I get, even if you are just in the shower. And my best lovers of all are - Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy!’ Jorge just had this manic look in his eyes – and claimed: ‘I knew it! I told you, you would come out with the truth one day. I have been feeling it in my heart and intuition!’ We did not get any sleep that night, I think he was afraid to sleep, so I would not sneak out. The next night was the same. He stood by the window for two hours, waiting for the plumber to drive by, and park in front of the house. He had also started to suspect my flat mate. A girl. I had joked that I had sex with her as well, but quickly retracted, as I saw that he deemed it possible. Now he thought that she was at least hiding gay guys for me in her bedroom. Guys to have sex with, as soon as he slept. He was going to talk to her in the morning! That crossed the line for me. My flat mate is a great and good friend. It has been a miracle she had not moved out yet, with all the drama around her. Him starting to draw other people into his paranoid delusions was too much. I told him he had to move out. We could stay together, I still loved him, but we could not live together anymore! We did not sleep all night again. In the morning he did not talk to my flat mate – thanks God. He came to bed and fell asleep. A few hours later he awoke again. He was crying, and so was I. I could always feel when his loving, kind self was in charge again. He was sorry – and I retracted my kicking him out. It was a grumpy day, but I had hopes that things would hold. In the evening though I told him to please close the kitchen door. He was on the phone in the kitchen, and the kitchen is right next to my flat mate’s room . We always close the door when cooking, watching TV there, or chatting. He took it as a sign of conspiracy between my flat mate and I though – claimed: ‘he is not stupid!’, and moved out with all his stuff two hours later…This time for good!
But why do I tell you all this? Sure, it is a bit catharsic to share my story, but there is deeper reasons. I have done a bit of reading about Narcissistic personality disorder. I am pretty certain that he suffers from it. There might also be a bit of schizophrenia and paranoid delusions in the mix. Whenever I read more spiritual appraisals of narcissism, the blogs etc. seem to be written by people like me, who have suffered at the hands of a narcissist. These articles usually seem to lack some compassion though. They talk about forgiving and healing oneself, but not really about forgiving the narcissist. According to what I read – the narcissists behavioral pattern seems to be to, to be extremely charming and loving upon meeting. There is the term of initial– ‘love bombing’. In a whirlwind of romance he dismantles all his victim’s defense mechanisms. Once a relationship is firmly established though, at some point, the narcissist gets bored. He might not feel adored enough anymore, pampered enough, or the love, adoration, and pampering from just one lover does not suffice anymore. Like an addict, he needs more and more of a drug to get his kick, his drug here being love and attention. (N.B. obviously there is female narcissists as well, and narcissism exists in straight relationships too, but for ease of writing I’ll continue using the ‘he’). His attention for his lover wanes, but instead of looking at himself for the diminished affection in the relationship, he starts to try to undermine his lover’s self-confidence. All blame is put on the partner. Nothing is ever good enough, or right. E.g. there is too much attention, or not enough. Too much sex, or not enough. Goal posts frequently change, and are not uncommon to be the opposite of the previous week’s goal posts, etc. Once in a while he ‘relapses’ into niceness, just enough apparently to give his partner hope again. He admits to problems, but does not seem to be willing to actually face and tackle them. As such it seems to be a personality disorder that cannot be healed? The narcissist frequently distorts reality, to suit his needs –and tries to force this distorted sense of reality onto his partner. He also attempts to make his partner more and self-conscious, and with this dependent on him – as surely none-one else would be willing to be with someone as unworthy as his partner! There seems to be less and less empathy, until one questions, if there ever was any empathy, or love in the first place? The narcissist’s self-confidence is very fragile (and low), so if the lover dares to criticize him, it usually is not tolerated well at all. Narcissists are self-centered, and have this great sense of entitlement; and they do seem to love drama!
With Jorge too - things got ever more extreme and traumatic, even though, at the same time, I learned to react less and less to Jorge’s attempted manipulations. I have the benefit of resisting negative energies, and their attempted manipulations for many years now, so I did not start to attack my own self-confidence, or start to question my sanity.
By the end, once he had gone, for four days all I could think and feel was, that everything positive he had said and done had been false and a ploy. I managed to not hate him, but I could not feel much in terms of positive feelings for him anymore either. All that just did not feel right though. Reading articles about narcissists, did not help. They imply that narcissists are just hunting for romance, the love of others, to exploit it and then destroy their partners. They made me believe that a narcissist love is not true – it is all just a ploy to hook you!
Over the years the spiritual ability I deem to have developed the most is, that I am an empath. I think, at times at least, to be able to feel other people’s energies – thoughts, emotions, believes. Sometimes more accurately than others, but generally I am likely more sensitive than the average human being. I could be deluding myself, not wanting to admit that I have been duped by a narcissist – but Jorge’s emotions mostly felt ‘real’. That is both his positive ones, as well as his negative ones. Looking back there might very well have been some lies, and pretense, but overall I believe that he really did feel some very strong positive emotions for me, especially initially! He did not just pay me compliments with a cold heart, just wanting to create love energies for him inside me. There was definitely a flow of energy that was not just one-sided. The same way, when he was full of rage, jealousy and meanness I could feel those emotions too. They were strong and likely too strong yet for him to control himself. He might earnestly want to not be an asshole, but he cannot control it. It took much energy, experience, and skill for me to not succumb to these energies, and to, during our fights, not sink down to his level too. (I did not always manage 100%, but I am proud enough for what I did manage.) Over the weeks the ‘bad energies’ seemed to wear him down more and more, and he gave up the fight more and more. In the end they got so strong that they managed to distort his reality and perception so much, he literally acted and felt like a mentally ill person. There is also a lot of healing energy in the house where we stayed, plus I was meditating and channeling healing energy for us whenever I could. It likely triggered a lot of healing processes and potentially associated healing crisis. Add to that that I did not relent and stood my ground, for what I knew was right - in the end he could not take it anymore and ran.
What am I talking about, when I talk about ‘bad energies’? I believe that everything is energy. (NB: There is a lot more about this in my book – Tours and Cures of a Lightsoldier (Alexander King), with a lot more in depth philosophy and logical argument than suitable for this post, so please do not just read the following out of context. ) I believe that most beings on Earth are down here to experience suffering. Suffering in all shapes, forms and sizes. Suffering is pre-chosen and a temporary illusion, even though whilst we experience it, it can feel very real! If we want to experience suffering through people, some beings have to incarnate as the villains; even though most of us will be both victims and villains to some extent, at least until we ‘wake up’ spiritually. In it’s true divine core, each and every being/ energy – is ultimate divine good though! Once we spiritually ‘wake up’, we can cancel suffering (we just have to ask for it!), and we will likely start to help others to overcome their suffering. - At the core of each suffering creation is ‘twisted’ divine energy constructs. Such energies make us forget our true nature, and or experience illusions of negativity and suffering. Negativities such as stresses, fears, anger, sadness, guilt, envy, jealousy, illnesses, poverty, war etc, etc. Suffering energies live of a being’s suffering. An anger energy e.g. grows stronger, and or procreates by beings feeling anger – it causes anger and then feeds of it. As such suffering energies have a vested interest in keeping us suffering and can at times actively resist e.g. healing energies, which try to heal or clear them. It stands to assume that the more powerful a suffering, the potentially more powerful the suffering energies behind it.
As such a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is suffering from narcissistic-personality-disorder-energies. This is the spiritual perspective. Physically such person’s might have abnormalities in e.g. their brains. Just like you cannot really ‘blame’ a person with dementia for forgetting – one cannot really ‘blame’ a narcissist for being a narcissist. If each and every being is inherently divine and good, it would not hurt another being knowingly, if it were fully conscious! Remembering that perspective of my believes and philosophy, helped me to get out of my state of indifference for Jorge and regain my feelings of love and compassion for him. As such narcissism is a terrible affliction. It seems that narcissistic energies allow their victims to fall in love initially. The narcissist might feel a sense of urgency though? He likely subconsciously knows, that his feelings of love might become blocked at any time. He therefore tries to fall in love as fast and hard as possible. The movies teach us that love conquers all, apparently in no time at all. Religion teaches the same, but to my knowledge does not really attach (unrealistic) time frames. I guess there is this subconscious hope that if he manages to love strong, quickly and hard enough – once his narcissistic energies strike – the love he has cultured will be potent enough to overcome his narcissistic side? Narcissistic energies can be very strong though, they are powerful enough to block love energies. After a while the narcissist gives up and succumbs fully to them, including their attached nastiness, manipulation and attempt to degrade their partner. Likely the energies will give the narcissist intuitions too, that it is the partner’s fault that the love was not strong enough, and as such there might be more semi-logical justification to make the partner suffer just as much, as the now desperate narcissist. With Jorge we can add to that that he seems to believe that he will only find true happiness within a relationship, which might have increased his sense of urgency. He also has a great penchant for drama, which made our fights the more spicy and hefty.
In contrast usually Narcissist Personally Disorder (NPD) sufferers seem to be portrait as these master manipulators. Their initial affections and later fights are portrayed as these grand conspiratorial schemes. Not to be demeaning, but at least with Jorge – I really do not see him as intelligent enough to plan and execute such elaborate and long term plans. I could believe that he is a master psychologist and actor, but I did ‘feel’ energies behind his fits (well, I believe to have felt), trying to make me as mean as him (and which I do not usually have/ feel, so I am pretty confident I am not just a narcissist myself). To me it is much more likely that he is but a puppet of master manipulative NPD energies, playing him.
Looking at it this way, I cannot feel any anger for Jorge anymore. If anything I feel sorry for him. I know Jorge did not refuse to fight his narcissistic energies completely, like some authors claim. He meditated with me, and accepted me giving him spiritual healing, and that too felt real. He was connected, and did not block the divine healing energy flow. He just lost patience and hope too quickly. If one fights strong suffering energies, they do not always yield with just one healing effort or two, one has to hang in there. Even though he currently does not talk to me anymore, I hope I have helped him so far as to teach him, that if he keeps on meditating, etc., he will overcome the energies that destroy one relationship after another for him. As nasty as the energies felt in their full blown state, compared to the energies I felt, when channeling healing for him, during peaceful times, I doubt that they all reside inside of him. When channeling healing for him during happily connected times, I found plenty of confusion and sadness, but no evil. My feeling is rather that he has some opening(s) inside his energy bodies, that allow narcissist energies to invaded and take over from time to time. To close these openings, will hopefully not take too long. Where those openings come from – I do not know. Jorge did tell me about some notable childhood traumas, but they might just as well not really have any psychological causality, and perhaps just be genetic inheritance from previous generations? I had told him to pray for forgiveness for himself, and all, who might have caused him ill in the past – and nothing much changed (but then I do not know if he said such prayers, and how long they would take to come to full fruition.) To get too bogged down on what exactly causes a narcissist to turn nasty can also just lead to disappointment - it is a bit like my hope that his turns would vanish with his ulcers, but they did not. I firmly believe that we do not have to know what exactly causes a suffering, we just have to ask for healing and do our best to not get in the way of the Divine then doing it’s thing (; well, if we do get in the way, we just pray that the Divine heals that too). (NB. And Jorge, at least, was just too keen to accept anything as an excuse to turn bad, but there are many who are ill, or had a bad traumatic past, who manage just fine without making others suffer for it.)
Obviously I pray that the actual narcissist energies in the outside will be healed off, and cleared off this planet too. Well, that is as far as they are messing with my life and well being, and the people that I love! I trust that these last three and a half months a lot of healing of narcissistic energies has taken place. Outwardly it might look as if they have ‘won’ (not allowing Jorge and I to be together and happy), but I believe and trust, that they have suffered huge losses to maintain that illusion.
I can feel my love for Jorge again now, but that does still not mean that I would take him back. Were he to ring the door bell now, claim remorse and beg for another chance – I think I would decline, as long as there is any doubt left that he is not fully healed yet. I would not forsake him, as to refuse to help him heal, but I would not allow him to take over my life so fully again. Whilst we were together it was a miracle I managed to work still. He pretty much claimed every ounce of time, and energy I possessed. I rarely got around to e.g. send healing to my folks (who are not getting any younger), and did not get any work done with regards to blogging, or book promotion. If I talked to friends, it was during our fighting times, when we would not talk anyway, or when he was working. I definitely learned that I was foolish to let myself be sucked into the whirlwind of passion at the outset. And in a sense I am lucky that he deserted me, and relieved me of my promises to stay and stick with him, even if things got tough. (In good times, as in bad times!) I will try to not make such a mistake again. I like to be a man of my word, and even though he broke so many promises, I am not sure if I could have broken mine. Not because I am masochistic, but rather because I would have refused to stop believing that one day all would be healed and we could be truly happy - un-pestered by energies trying to make us suffer. I know that is a very romantic notion, and potentially still part-masochistic, as it could well have meant that the overall bottom line of our relationship would have shown more suffering than happiness (but then I cannot predict the future!).
There is no use for those, who truly do not want to suffer anymore, to put themselves in the line of suffering unnecessarily, when helping others overcome theirs. When beings are so disturbed, being around them is near constant suffering, and if it is possible to help them from a distance, then that seems so much more sensible! I.e. I am not writing this article so that those who are being abused by a narcissist keep allowing it, I just want to help such to not hate their narcissist, or think themselves stupid to believe their narcissist's initial love was true. Be assertive, do not let them mess with your head, get out if it feels dangerous, or even if you just have had enough of their abuse, but try to keep loving them (and yourself of course!). Then, even if you do not have the strength to get out – they might well leave on their own accord – just like Jorge did (as true, unconditional divine love is likely a narcissist’s Kryptonite!) For me love is compassion yes, but not to the extent of self-harm, and without stupidity. 3 weeks after moving out, and likely not being welcome on his friend’s couches anymore, Jorge contacted me again, under pretense of wanting some things he had forgotten and left behind. He tried to make me feel guilty again. Supposedly I am a bad and heartless person for letting him be practically homeless on his coming up birthday. Jorge does like to play the ‘feel sorry for me’ card. But then I have to remember that Jorge has not paid any major bills, such as rent, gas, electricity etc. for near 5 months now, and kept on earning decently. He should have at least GBP 4-5K in his bank account. More than enough to move back to Madrid, or find a room or studio in London (should he decide to stay here). Yes, I do believe that his feeling for me initially were true, but for the time being the reality is the narcissistic energies having the upper hand, and causing havoc and pain!
On a day-to-day level it is hard to keep up the loving and compassionate vibe for Jorge. My primary memory, when thinking of him, is him as a villain. I do not beat myself up over it though. It makes it easier. Thinking of him in a loving way, I usually have to start justifying myself repeatedly as to why I do not call him right now, and ask him to move back in. I have to then remember that it is not unloving to not help him directly anymore. It is for him now to understand, that he needs help, and to seek professional support. He has to understand that the problem is with him, not me, or us. And first of all ‘normal’ human behavior would be for him to apologize, without expecting forgiveness, and anything in return!
I know I will heal quickly. I was happy being single for ten years before – so I can be again. I am not desperate to be in a relationship. I know I am whole as I am, I do not need anyone to make me feel whole. Furthermore I have had incredible spiritual support before, And I am confident I have it now! I am glad though that I have managed to overcome my feelings of indifference for Jorge. NPD energies likely want me to think of him as a thoroughly bad person, or even hate him. I do neither, but just to make double sure, I pray that any thought about Jorge, which sees him as less than perfect individualized spirit, is healed and does not get to ‘feed’ any suffering energies. On first sight it might look as if this relationship has just cost me dearly, but I rather see it as my contribution to help heal narcissist energies off this planet. There is a few narcissists in the gay community, so my healing efforts with Jorge now, are a long-term investment in potentially having better relationships in the future, and lessen my risk of falling for another narcissist again… Plus I learned some Spanish in the process.
Love and Light!
It took me a good 6 weeks to mostly heal off this relationship. Until this process was completed I felt like my energies were somewhat poisoned with emotions, reactions and believes which are not usually me. I was e.g. somewhat sexually blocked, and had some paranoid fears that ‘all’ men are narcissists, and I will always just attract narcissists. I was aware that such thoughts and feelings are paranoid, but they were still present and uncomfortable.
Furthermore interestingly I regularly had to fight illusions of restrictions in my client healing-work. I.e. I would have visions of divine help being limited, confused energies outnumbering healthy divine (and helping) ones. Again this is contrary to my usual believes, and what I used to feel before I met Jorge, as well as since after clearing and disconnecting off his energies. It makes me wonder though, if part of the root of NPD behavior is a narcissist’s deep rooted believe that the ‘good’ things in life are ‘limited’ – love, affection, happiness, joy, (divine and other) support, money etc.? A bit like a toddler not wanting to share a toy, they start kicking and screaming if they think someone might take something they believe to be ‘theirs’?
Cord-cutting etc. work
I knew about cutting unhealthy cords long before I met Jorge, but you might be interested in hearing what discoveries I made when doing so regarding Jorge. Often one is advised to cut cords on the solar plexus chakra level only, I did check for connections on all chakra levels though, and think to have found unhealthy cords on all of them. There were not just cords to my front and back chakras, but coming in from both sides (of my body) as well! Furthermore Jorge (and or his associated energies) had left ‘gifts’. Energies of his/ theirs ‘given’ during our time together, which still remained as a portal for unpleasant energies of his to enter less impeded, i.e. circumvent normal protections of mine. These gifts felt like they came with conditional attachments, meaning that as long as I had them he seemed to feel entitled to send me energies of anger, unhappiness, discontent etc. He likely still thinks these energetic gifts, and him moving to London (for me?), were such a great sacrifices, that they entitled him to treat me whichever way pleased him? I kindly returned any gifted energies (by sending them back spiritually), and made sure I also cleared the house of any leftover belongings he left behind. For those items I decided to keep (not wanting to be wasteful), I prayed for thorough energetic cleansings. I also made sure I cut any cords on other energetic levels, such as Hara, Kundalini, Grounding, and Soul Star.
And on a more practical level. Do perhaps change all your bank cards after living with a narcissist. Some months after, I had one, and than another bank card compromised. I cannot guarantee it was him, but I am suspicious, as one transaction was for a gay app he uses. I changed all other cards I had after that, and changed the locks to the house, just in case....
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