Old vs New, Inside vs Outside

Not sure if there is other folk who contemplate where negative energies come from? Especially empath often have to deal with a lot of them. And the question that can arise, especially for empaths, is – ‘Am I dealing with my own stuff? If it is my own stuff, is it old, stuff, from before I became more aware (maybe even a previous life), or is it recently generated, and potentially accumulated energies?’ I’d argue that negative energies, emotions, etc, that do not come from the inside/ have not been generated by oneself, must come from the ‘outside’!

When I became aware, woke up spiritually (ca 1995), things seemed to be quite clear cut! Nobody was talking about empaths! All the books I read, teachers I found, said that everything that is inside me, I have generated, and it is for me to clear and or heal all of it! The most positive time frame I encountered, to accomplish this was – ‘We live in a special time, so currently we are lucky, and it can be done within a life time!’ (and that is, regardless of getting help from the Divine!) Whereas more pessimistic gurus, might tell you that it still takes lifetimes to shed oneself of accumulated Karma. And that there is no knowing if you have done a handful or thousands already, and how close you are to enlightenment, and graduating from human-hood?  

For the first 14 years, that was my main understanding, and the thousands of hours spent in meditation, prayer, etc. were dedicated to clearing myself of past karma, practicing forgiveness, etc.

Over time some doubts about this model of life started to crop in.

Initially I fully savoured the feeling of handing a e.g. current fear into Light! I would start to breath heavy, and the energy would lift. Often the process would end with a bit of a sigh, as the energy fully lifted, and there was a feeling of relief and increased freedom! Thing is, I am curious and observant too though. When feeling into said e.g. fear, it’s dimensions would often be quite considerable. It might sit on my e.g. frontal torso and take up most the space there. I.e. once I had breathed it off, that part of my aura would feel quite clear.

I’d get quite zealous about the process. Sometimes spending hours, trying to think about all the fears, and other restricting energies in myself, and hand them over. When thinking about a new fear, it would be there pronto, taking up quite a bit of room again, and leaving a sizable area that felt clear….

This was fine for quite a while. But after a few years of this, I did start to ask myself – ‘Where are all those fears hiding, when I do not think of them, or they are triggered? My aura is only so big….?’ So, I went into imagined libraries of my subconscious, and washed through them, with clearing energies, washing out thousands of fears, etc at a time. Where were those libraries though? On top of that I prayed and asked that ALL my fears, guilt, self-consciousness, anger, confusions, greed, etc please be taken off, and out of me. I had discovered that Spirit is actually quite practical after all, and that one does not have to hand over one negative emotion at a time!

I fully expected this process to take a few months maybe, but to be finished at some point.


Since being an aware empath, and channelling healing energies for others, as a spiritual healer, I sometimes get unaware empaths in my practise. I have seen a few unaware empaths that have big auras. Big, apparently, because they have generated or received, and then accumulated, so many negative energies, they need to store them somewhere! But with a good 90min or 2hrs healing massage and clearing, their auras often shrink down to almost normal size! So that to me is proof too, that meditation, healing work, etc is quite powerful, and negative energies in our aura are finite!

Strangely, it seemed a never-ending process. And instead of my life becoming ever more effortless and capable, I ended up with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for ten years. Now that made even less sense to me, as if anything I expected to get ever healthier, stronger, etc. I had visions of Superman like abilities, not endless exhaustion, constantly feeling like the flu, etc 😉 According to all those spiritual teachings I had encountered, if one was ill, one just had to go within, find the offending emotion(s), one’s energies would flow freely again, and the body heal itself asap! Now I had gone within for years, cleared, and cleared, and cleared, but still not Superman (or at least super healthy).

I had some other theories. Having been in a cult and left it, and demasking the guru as a psychopath before doing so, I thought maybe he was still angry at me, and doing some kind of black magic? But then I had CFS for 10 years, and regularly sent hordes of angels to stop him, and protect me. At some point I had to decide, if I believed in the strength of my angels, or the power of some nasty, little guru being greater? I decided for the angels!

After 14 years I realized/ understood, that I am an empath. I have stopped personalizing everything I feel inside of me, and allow the option, that not everything I feel, and think is of my own creation. For the last 9 years I ask that energies that disaffect me, and have their origin outside of my bodies be healed, grounded, or taking into Light as well! Plus I have vamped up my energy clearing work considerably, making sure that energies I get from the outside cannot dig in and fester, but are rather grounded off, or taken into Light asap! I try to be grounded 24/7, and have asked for unrestricted Ultimate Good Help to protect me, and pull out negative energies as much and frequent as necessary, possible, and sensible.

Realizing that I am an empath made life understandable again! Life outside of my bodies is vast. There is billions of humans, and other beings on this planet alone, who can generate negative energies, emotions, et al. If I feel those, help heal those, it is understandable that this process might take a while (even with huge amounts of spiritual help). Energies have accumulated, are being generated ongoing, etc.

For a few years now, empaths are better organized. There are e.g. several Facebook groups, where we can support each other. Share helpful tools, ask questions, etc. More and more blogs and other esoteric writings are surfacing all over, that mention empaths! To feel someone else’s energies is becoming more accepted. Where before blaming negative emotions we feel on others, was deemed escapist and unsavoury, we have now been accepted into the Lightworker creed. The tables are turning, and now it is almost unsavoury to be a Lightworker, and not feel another’s energies…

Regardless though, I keep encountering opinions and writings even among empaths, that put the onus of a lightworker’s/ empath’s healing work on self-healing and -development!

When e.g. a retrograde, full moon, eclipse or solstice marks our firmament, and multitudes of empaths feel disaffected, tired, experience brain fog, or are even ill, many remark/ advise, that cosmic events are our chance to dig deeper, clear and cleanse more, heal deeper, shed karma, etc… Sometimes they even promise a whole ‘NEW YOU’ after intense cosmic events, etc.

I am a bit baffled by this. Of course, there are empaths that have just discovered their abilities, and just recently woken up spiritually. I.e. they might still have to do some self-healing work! But I assure you, even after 20+years of intense energy work, I still get disaffected by some retrogrades, et al.

My theory is more that less aware folk and beings in the collective around me, have less of a chance of running away from their feelings, during times of heightened cosmic energy. This can lead to healing crises, energies being released, etc. Those energies float about and seek out lightworkers to be grounded, or sent into Light. Some energies do not want to be healed too, so they resist. They likely do not try to change the flight paths of Mercury, so they resist the nearest source of Light they can find, e.g. lightworkers….


To be fair I obviously cannot guarantee my theories! I base them on my personal logic and experiences! I might be rationalizing!

I just think, that if it took decades to clear personal karma for all, plus as empaths we are supposed to assist others in healing theirs, we will be stuck in the quagmire that are today’s energies for a lot longer than I am hoping! And that for so many reasons just do not match up with my view of an endlessly, unconditionally loving Source!

So why do even some long-term aware empaths hold on to the believes, that a lot of the healing work should be dedicated to self-healing work? I feel it might be because of (emotional, et al) pain! During some say retrogrades, the pain we feel can be near unbearable. To then believe that we might just have to clear some old fears from our (after all) finite bodies, seems a quicker fix, than being aware that the collective around us has to heal (which might take a lot longer)! If we believe that we need to heal ourselves, which might be finished tomorrow, and we will be carefree during all coming retrogrades, that thought is so alluring when we are in pain, it is hard to resist! Believe me, I still fall into that trap at times too! For others it might be the old teachings, that with a lot of fear and guilt attached, have been burned into their subconscious?


Now I do not want to force anyone who reads this, to believe my theories! My main mission is to just make more people aware that they might be true? For if we do not pray and ask for unrestricted ultimate good Divine help for the source of our discomfort wherever, whenever, however, the help we ask for might be unnecessarily limited. It is a free will system after all. And our helpers can only help as much, as we allow them to! And the more lightworkers allow unrestricted help, not just self-healing work for their own bodies, but their life too, the quicker we might all feel better….